


be still my foolish heart (don't ruin this on me)

by somniatoressinespe



Category: Runaways (Comics), Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Jealous!Nico, Oblivious!Karolina, Theatre AU, Underage Drinking, and, because thats always a great combo to write, enjoy, even if the theatre is only kind of background, here comes the madness, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 14:25:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18054221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniatoressinespe/pseuds/somniatoressinespe
Summary: “Why do you have a screenplay?” she asks Gert.“I'm the new director.”“You are the what?”“The new director of the school play, and you're the new lead.”“I am the what?”Gert sends her a frustrated look, “Ok, will you stop trying to live up to the dumb blonde stereotype?”or "Karolina is oblivious and has been in love with Nico for all of her lifetime"





	be still my foolish heart (don't ruin this on me)

How lucky do you have to be to be loved in the exact same way you want- or need- to be loved?

 

How lucky do you have to be to love someone in the exact same way they want you to love them?

 

Karolina isn't lucky. Sure, she's lucky in other ways- she's on the best than average looking side, she'll probably be set for life even without ever lifting a finger thanks to her parents royalties, she lives near the beach in sunny L.A.- but she can never seem to get the love part right.

 

You see, Karolina has been in love with her best friend since she can remember, only they're not best friends anymore, or even friends. Oh, and said best friend is a girl. Pretty lucky, uh? Such a cliché too, perfect church girl falls in love with the high school bad boy with a hidden heart of gold. A story written a thousand times only this time the bad boy is actually the resident Goth and painfully not interested in her in any way that matters.

 

Karolina had fallen in love with Nico before she even knew the meaning of the word, the deepness of the feeling, or the hopelesness of the situation she had buried herself in- willingly or not, she'll never know, because loving Nico is just as much a fact as it is a choice, as it is a miracle- and now she knows better, and still she loves her. What does that say about her?

 

Karolina was good at compartmentalizing, though. She has made her peace with the fact that what she feels it's only an unrequited love, a never-gonna-happen love, and goes on with her life. She learns at fourteen how to not think about it, how to stop staring Nico's way every time she walked into a room, how to form coherent sentences when Nico says hello.

 

She's also fourteen when she makes her peace with the fact there's no getting over Nico, no matter how hard she tries.

 

It would all be easier if their parents hadn't all been in a charity organization together, if this crush was something born out of admiration from afar, instead of being something that had been going on and growing ever since they were all kids, thrown together by circumstance and, mostly, their parents.

 

Karolina just tries not to think about it.

 

It's not as if they all still hang out together at school or something- it's not like they're still friends. It's weird, how they've all used to know each other so well, how much they know each other still after all this time- no matter how much they pretend they don’t now. She learns something early in life thanks to it, though.

 

(Life lesson #1: You can love someone with all of your heart, doesn't stop you from growing apart with the years.)

 

They were friends because their parents were friends.

 

The summer kind of friends.

 

It shouldn't have been a surprise when their friend group crumbled down during the first year of high school, not long after Amy had stopped coming to game nights- she always had been a bit too old for their games, a bit too grown up to play pretend, a little too grown up to have fun with her little sister and her friends. It shouldn't have been a surprise when they all split apart- and it wasn't- but it still hurt. In the divorce, Nico got Alex and Amy-obviously- Chase wandered off alone to join the jocks, while Karolina got Molly and Gert- eventually.

 

It's kind of weird that out of all of her friends, Gert and Molly were the ones she ended up being close with- well not Molly, because they've always kind of understood one another in a special way and the younger girl was just too sincere for Karolina to ever let down without a guilty conscience- but she and Gert didn't use to get along when they were younger, like at all. They never were each other best friends- Nico was, is, will forever be- or shared friendship bracelets or anything. They got close with the fall out though, when Chase joined the lacrosse crowd, when Nico started dressing in all black and stopped replying to her texts, after Karolina was outed.

 

So Karolina just keeps on admiring Nico from afar, keeps what she feels in check, keeps going on with her life.

 

And that's how it all should have kept going, if Gert hadn't burst in her room one Sunday's afternoon with a bunch of paper in her hands and a crazy look in her eyes- like I just killed someone and need you to help hide the body kind of crazy look. The same look she had when she wanted her help to found a GSA in their school- that time she hadn't budged in front of Gert's pout, she's not sure if she'll manage this time- and she just knows that Gert needs her help with something.

 

“You need to help me.”

 

She doesn’t like being right.

 

“If my help involves burying a body, I don't think my mom would approve of our friendship anymore.”

 

“Your mom doesn't approve of our friendship- or me- regardless, she still thinks I was the one to break your grandfather's vase even when I was unjustly accused and was actually Chase the one who... but that's not what I need to talk to you about. Here,” Gert throws the stash of papers on her bed, falling on the untouched homework in front of her.

 

“Why do you have a screenplay?”

 

“I'm the new director.”

 

“You are the what?”

 

“The new director of the school play, and you're the new lead.”

 

“I am the _what_?”

 

Gert sends her a frustrated look, “Ok, will you stop trying to live up to the dumb blonde stereotype?”

 

“Wait, wait, just-- start from the beginning.”

 

“Okay, you know how the school play last year was a misogynistic, heteronormative, piece of white entitlement?”

 

“No.”

 

“Well, it was. So this year I convinced the principal I should take over. We're doing Robin Hood, but with a spin.”

 

“Do I even want to ask?”

 

“Probably not.”

 

Karolina passes a hand on her face, already tired by the conversation, “Ok, sure, but what has it to do with me?”

 

“Your parents are actors, you've inherited their conventionally attractive looks and acting skills- don’t even bother denying it because I've seen you in that movie when you were like eleven and you were good- also you know about this stuff and I know you've at least seen the Disney movie once because Chase forced you to see it with him when you told him you never had. On top of that it'd be fun and you'll get to hang out with me more!”

 

She crosses her arms, unimpressed, “Yeah, those aren't very good reasons for me to help you.”

 

“Please. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope,” Gert pouts then, like she used to do when she was eight and wanted to get her way, and Karolina is too nice for her own good.

 

(And honestly this is all Karolina's fault in the end. Because she's seventeen and still hasn't learnt how to say no to Gert. )

 

A beat passes, the pout intensifies. Karolina looks away. A dramatic sigh, followed by another deeper one.

 

“Ok, ok, I'll help,” she says as she throws her hands in the air.

 

Gert jumps on the bed, hugging her tight, and almost knocking her off of it in pure Gert's fashion. Karolina just knows she'll regret this, she just doesn't know exactly how yet.

 

Apparently, Gert had known that Karolina would give in without even putting up a proper fight, because she had already scheduled the auditions to be on Monday after class. As she sits in a weirdly comfortable red armchair, surrounded by darkness but for the light pointed to the stage, she contemplates all of the life choices that lead her here, listening to terrible auditions in Atlas's theatre hall while snacking on everything the vending machine in the hall could offer.

 

At least she's not alone in this weird theatre induced hell. She doesn’t know how Gert managed it, but she's involved all of their old friends. Chase she gets- that boy is so whipped already she wonders how he'll get once Gert and him manage to get together- Alex was probably blackmailed into helping, and Molly is an actual angel who actually likes this stuff, but Nico is hardly someone who's easy to manipulate, or blackmail.

 

(She's kind of worried, actually, about what Gert could possibly have on Nico.)

 

But the real mystery is how Gert succeed in getting so many people to audition. Or maybe people are always this interested in acting in their school play. She wouldn't know. She had never been involved in high school theatre before now, hell the last time she acted in anything was a little part in one of her father's movies when she was little, and she didn't audition for that one either.

 

Nepotism, the true hero of her story.

 

The boy finished his audition and another one takes his place, script in hands. Speaking of which, maybe she should read the script, or figure out who she's playing, Gert just said she needed her to be the lead, so maybe Maid Marian? She starts skimming through the pages, wondering what twist Gert could have possibly concocted in that beautiful mind of hers when she spots it. Right on top of the page, in blocky black font.

 

Robin Hood- Queen of Thieves.

 

_What the hell?_ She shots up in her place, knocking the bag of chips off the table in the process, and drawing every eye in the room to her. She blushes a deep red. Molly looks at her questioning, she shakes her head in response.

 

“I'm sorry can you excuse us for a second? Great,” she grabs Gert by the arm and drags her out into the hallway.

 

“Why does the script say _queen_ of thieves?” she half-yells in her ear.

 

“I told you it had a twist!”

 

“Yeah, I thought you meant something along to the lines of aliens, or zombies, or anything other than genderbent lesbian romance.”

 

“I thought you'd like it!”

 

“Gert! That's so not the point!”

 

“Ok, sorry, sorry, what is the point then? Why are you so upset?”

 

“I'm not-- I'm not upset. I just-- the school will crucify you.”

 

“The school agreed, it was actually the GSA's idea, why do you think so many of our members showed up today? They support this,” Gert looks at her with soft eyes then, as if she'd realized what Karolina didn't want to say, she takes her hand in hers, “is this about your mom? Or what happened with your coming out?”

 

“No, no, no. I don’t know... I just don't want to become a statement, Gert. Is-- is what happened with Nico why you wanted me to be involved?”

 

“Well, partly I guess, but I do think you're a really good actress and I thought you'd have fun, maybe meet someone... if you want to back out I understand.”

 

She sighs. This is so typically Gert, blind-sighting her by doing stuff or saying something impulsively and then trying to make it better when she realizes she's crossed a line. She shudders, as she has a little war flashback to how she had handled her suspicions of Karolina's crush on Nico when they were fifteen- _(_ _are you kinda into Nico? I'm totally supportive, by the way.)_ _._ She sighs one more time- she seems to do it a lot since this whole ordeal started and it's not even the end if the third day.

 

She'll regret this so much.

 

“No, it's fine,” she takes a deep, calming breath, “It's fine. But just to be clear am I playing Robin or Maid Marian?”

 

“Robin. We both know you're just as useless near _your_ crush,” she punches Gert in the shoulder.

 

“That's so uncalled for, but speaking of, how did you convince--”

 

“Karolina?” Nico's face pops into the hallway, looking a touch concerned, “Are you alright?”

 

Karolina stares. Gert elbows her hard in the gut. Karolina startles.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I'm good- great, really... just had to talk to Gert for a bit, but now it's all good right, Gert?”

 

Gert nods next to her, unhelpful and all too much amused by Karolina's floundering. Jerk. She slaps Gert's shoulder again and drags her towards the door, passing by a very suspicious Nico.

 

“If you say so...” Nico closes the door slowly after them, following them back to where the other sat.

 

“Sorry for the interruption,” Gert says “You can go now, next!”

 

“Oh, but I-- I haven't finished yet,” the boy on stage starts floundering, almost falling off the stage in the process. Gert just looks at him until he scrambles off stage, muttering under his breath.

 

A tall blonde girl takes his place, walking confidently to the centre of the stage.

 

She knows her.

 

Julie Power. She was in her maths class last year. She used to doze off, staring at her back from the seat behind hers for the majority of those classes. She didn't know she was part of the GSA, then it's not like they talked much, only the occasional small talk waiting for the teacher to show up.

 

Julie introduces herself and starts her audition.

 

She's good. Really good- Gert's even smiling at her performance- so Karolina's not just saying that because she thinks Julie's beautiful and she was kind of the only reason she ever managed to pass that stupid maths class, when she helped her during the final she could have kissed her. And if Gert agrees with her and casts her as Marian, she'd actually end up kissing her- it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... she _is_ very pretty, still she's no Nico.

 

She wonders if she'll spend the rest of her life comparing girls to Nico.

 

(That'd be pretty depressing... and quite a lot sad.)

 

Julie steps off the stage and another girl steps on. Karolina stops paying attention around the third one, preferring to watch Chase and Molly thumb wrestle, instead. It's a pretty monotonous afternoon, to be honest. She'd never imagined the process of casting would be so repetitive: person steps in, they says a few lines, Chase beats Molly, person thanks them for their time, Gert glares at them, Molly beats Chase, repeat.

 

It goes on like this for another half an hour, until she notices her phone light up with a message from her mom. _Dinner,_ _6_ _pm._ _D_ _on’t be late._ She looks at the time on the top of the screen, flashing mockingly at her the digits 17.45.

 

Shit. Her mom will kill her.

 

She turns apologetically to Gert, mouthing that she has to go and stepping out of the theatre as quietly as she can. She's halfway through the hallway, more skipping in her hurry than walking, when a hand grabs her arm, stopping her in her tracks. She turns to find long strawberry blonde hair and clear blue eyes very, very close to her own. She hopes she's not blushing.

 

“Hey, I saw you in the room earlier, what's up?”

 

“Hi, hey, yes, you were very good-- great really. I'm good, how are you? Haven't seen you around a lot since last year...”

 

“Yeah, I've been pretty busy with book club and the GSA, and-- I swear I'm less of a nerd that I sound.”

 

Julie laughs nervously, twisting and twirling a strand of her hair around her finger.

 

“If you're so busy, why did you come audition for the play?”

 

“Well, I couldn't pass out on it to be honest. It was practically mandatory in the club, but I guess I also wanted an excuse to talk to you.”

 

“Oh. Oh, uhm,” she _really_ hopes she's not blushing.

 

“Yeah. Gert told us you would definitely play Robin and I just thought it'd be a good way to hang out, you know?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, she kinda roped me into it too,” she smiles wide, looks at the time again, _god_ _she's_ _so_ _late,_ she starts walking backwards towards the exit, “Ok, I gotta go, but I really hope to see you at rehearsals. So, I guess I'll see you later.”

 

She turns and half jogs the rest of the way to the door, waving to Julie in the mean time.

 

Sooo, that just happened.

 

(Had Julie Power just kind of asked her out? Had she kind of said yes?)

 

She slips into her car and heads home, toying with the speed limit, singing out loud every song that comes out of her speakers.

 

When she finally arrives at her house, she finds her mom waiting at the door, tapping her foot on the ground. Not good. She also has a glass of wine in her hand. Even worse.

 

“There you are. I thought I'd reminded you this morning that we had guests for dinner,” Leslie smiles icily at her.

 

They hadn't seen each others face to face in like a week, at most she had left her a post it on the fridge, but she's not in the business of getting herself tragically murdered at the age of seventeen, so she lets it go. She looks over her mother's shoulder to see a boy talking with her father with a fake smile on his lips and a champagne glass in his hand. Oh no, she knows all too well where this is headed. She turns to her mother with a barely concealed pained grimace, already dreading what she knows will come next.

 

“I'm sorry I'm late, I was busy at school.”

 

“No matter, you're here now. Here, this is Chad. He just joined the cast of your father latest show. Isn't it lovely?”

 

“Sure,” she shakes his hand, and returns his fake smile, “it's nice to meet you.”

 

Karolina is good at this. Navigating painful feelings about her ex-best friend? Not her forte. Putting on a fake smile and dying inside without letting it show? She's your gal.

 

If this is her mother's latest attempt at turning her straight via introducing her to handsome boys, she has to give this to her, she's nothing if not resilient- or maybe stubborn is more appropriate. You'd think that after the way it ended with the last two guys she'd finally given up. Fortunately, the dinner is a quick affair, and Karolina successfully escapes rather quickly upstairs to her room with the excuse of unfinished homework.

 

She throws herself on the bed with a sigh, she's so tired of it all. At least Chad was less douchy that the name let on, but still. Her mother isn't around enough to have a say in her love life. The attempts are few and far between, but they're still there, unrelenting.

 

The next weekend she's left with the burning question whether Gert had joined her mom in her efforts of getting her a partner- but at least _she's_ moving in the right direction.

 

Or that's the only explanation she can think of to the reason why she's walking from thrift shop to thrifts shop sharing a weirdly not too uncomfortable silence with Nico, while they roam the streets of L.A. searching for props and costumes to adapt for the play. Apparently, the reason why Nico had been recruited in this weird, fever dream of a production was the fact that she was the only person Gert knew who could sew- and not the fact that Gert was a sadist who enjoyed watching Karolina squirm.

 

The reason why _Nico_ had agreed to this was still unknown, but Karolina's still leaning towards blackmailing. The crux of the matter was that she was currently spending her Saturday's afternoon with Nico, in a way she hadn't since forever and it was... it was fun, like old times, but at the same time totally new and different.

 

Every time they share a laugh for any weird item Karolina manages to find in the piles of old clothes, or Nico cracks a joke, or they brush past each other with a smile, Karolina feels every year they've spent apart and wonders why she hadn't tried to approach Nico all these years. The bubble pops when Nico gets a text- she sees an A on the name contact before Nico starts answering the text with annoyance- and she remember she didn't out of self preservation.

 

She pretends not to notice Nico's tapping irritably her phone and wanders off to the other end of the store, leaving Nico standing next to a rank of coats. She browses through a pile of flannels, picks a yellow one up, considering if today is the day she enables her addiction to the soft shirts some more, the thought quickly banishing from her mind as she looks at the price tag. She's balancing pros and cons in her head, when a clerk walks up to her from another pile of clothes. She's shorter than Karolina- though not as short as Nico- with cropped hair dyed blue and wearing a flannel herself and also the tightest and most ripped pants Karolina had ever seen, her gaze may linger on her tights for a second before she snaps back.

 

“You should buy that one, it's fucking great. I bought one last month and it's so damn soft it should be a crime,” the girl says.

 

“Yeah, no, I have way too many at home already. Maybe. I don’t know why I was even looking...”

 

“It'd suit you. And I think your girlfriend would like it.”

 

Karolina frowns, “Who?”

 

“Your girlfriend? The tiny goth girl you're with?”

 

“Nico? No, no, we're just friends. I mean- I should be so lucky, but no.”

 

The girl looks at her for a bit, as if trying to figure her out, before a slow charming smile presents itself on her face.

 

“Oh, alright then. Anyway, if you need any help,” she smiles and touches her arm, just over her elbow and just a little too softly, leaves it there almost a touch too long for Karolina's comfort, “Any at all, let me now.”

 

She opens her mouth and closes it, unsure on how to answer. She's interrupted in her attempt at social interactions by Nico, who had walked up to them without Karolina noticing, as she grabs her other arm while glaring at the clerk. The girl sends her one last wink and then goes to stand behind the counter, completely unbothered by Nico's cold attitude. Weird.

 

She takes off her jacket and hands it to Nico with a smile and a thanks, trying the flannel on. She does a half-twirl for her while checking herself out in the mirror.

 

“What do you think? Should I buy it?”

 

“It does suit you,” Nico hums non-committally, turning to the counter. She stares a bit more at the girl behind it, “If you want it, buy it. I haven't found anything interesting here so I'll wait for you outside.”

 

She hands her her jacket back and walks quickly outside, not waiting for Karolina's answer. Double weird.

 

Karolina takes off the flannel and considers it. She really shouldn't buy it, she really shouldn't fall in the rich kid copying mechanism she has managed to avoid all these years- but she does. She walks to the counter and pays for the flannel, she has the bag in her hand and the receipt in the other when she finds Nico outside, still looking down at her phone.

 

Maybe that's what's wrong. Did Alex do something? Or maybe she assumed wrong and it wasn't Alex who texted her but Amy. Maybe she just feels lonely, missing her since she went away to college this September. It must be weird, lonely, to suddenly end up being three in a house meant for four. She wouldn't know. But she figures asking wouldn't end up a tragedy.

 

“So... did something happen?”

 

Nico looks up, dazed, “Uh? No, no. Just didn't like the place. Too pretentious.”

 

Which was... true, but was also true of the last three shops they went into so Nico is obviously lying, even if she doesn't know why. What Karolina does knows is when to let a matter drop with Nico, so she doesn’t push her, nods once.

 

“What's that? On the receipt?” Nico asks.

 

“Uh?” she looks down to find a string of numbers on the back of it, letting out a sound of genuine surprise when she gets that that's the clerk phone number, “Oh. I thought she was just being nice.”

 

“Are you gonna call her?”

 

“I don’t know. Probably not. Why?”

 

Nico tenses abruptly at the question, ignores it and starts walking down and away from the shop. Karolina follows her.

 

“So, where to next?”

 

Nico stops in her tracks, so suddenly Karolina almost falls into her.

 

“Actually, something did come up, is it fine if we end this here? I can do the rest another day by myself.”

 

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

 

“See you Monday.”

 

“Bye.”

 

And just like that Nico's gone. How did she manage to fuck that up so quickly? She looks back at the receipt and then the shop puzzled. She shrugs and finds her car keys in her pocket. That was... weird.

 

**

 

She doesn't see Nico on Monday, but she does see Julie.

 

She stops her in the hallway in between classes, running up to her, “Hey Karolina! Wait up!”

 

“Hi, what's up?”

 

“Gert put up the casting sheet! You're looking at our school new Alan Dale.”

 

“Congratulations! I thought you auditioned for Marian, though,” she makes a face when she realizes how it sounds, “Sorry that was rude.”  
  


Julie waves it off, “Don’t worry about it. Gert actually said that we couldn't play love interests because we looked too much alike and it'd be, and I quote, a 'murder twin situation'.”

 

Karolina laughs. They do look a bit similar, both tall blondes with long hair, but hardly enough to be creepy.

 

The bell rings.

 

“Looking forward to hanging out with you after school anyway,” Julie winks, starts to walk away but then turns back, “Oh, before I forget, there's a party next week with everyone in the cast. I'll text you when and where!”

 

As Karolina hurries to get to Biology on time, she thinks about Julie. Julie who's sweet, but not who she aches for, Julie who's funny and kind and doesn’t deserve to be lead on by emotionally unavailable Karolina. As she takes her seat, she promises herself she'll fix this as soon as she sees her again.

 

As soon as she sees her again ends up being during lunch. Julie waves at her from her table, she reciprocate the wave, heading off to her usual table. So maybe she'll do it another time, not surrounded by Gert and Molly noisy eyes and in front of half the school. She puts her tray down, says hi to her friends while sitting down. It's not often that Chase sits with them, but she's not put off by his appearance. Lately he's been hanging out less and less with his team-mates, and he's always tense when he does so, and Karolina is always happy to see him anyway.

 

“So,” Gert greets her, “Did you see the casting sheet?”

 

“No, but I did meet my 'murder twin' in the corridors.”

 

“Are you angry you won't get to kiss her? Is that it? Because I can always recast her for you, I am that good of a friend.” Gert teases.

 

“Stage kiss,” she points out, following what she says next with a cocky grin, “Believe me, if I wanted to kiss her I'd done it already.”

 

“Yeah, Dean, show them who's the man,” Chase offers his hand in a high five over Molly's head and she slaps it.

 

Gert makes an unimpressed face.

 

“I'll ignore the gross, entitled objectification of women you've just demonstrated. So,” Gert starts again, “Do you want to know who's your love interest?”

 

“Not really, but I know you'll tell me anyway.”

 

“You're not very nice this morning. But yes, I'll tell you anyway. It's Xavin.”

 

Karolina frowns, “Who?”

 

“Xavin. You'll meet them later at rehearsals. Don’t be rude just because they're not Julie.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Never.”

 

She rolls her eyes as she takes a bite out of her apple, the only thing vegan she could find after arriving so late to lunch, or at all to be honest Atlas may be a rich kids academy, but it's still behind on the lunch variety category. She listens as Molly launches herself into a rant on her new dance crew, and smiles.

 

**

 

Their first rehearsals is on a Friday afternoon, after classes, and Karolina's almost 100% sure they're the only ones still left in the building. The theatre looks different in the afternoon with the heavy, red curtains not drawn shut, the soft light filtering through the tall windows dying every surface pink and orange. She's the first to arrive apparently, and she sits on the stage to wait, dangling her feet.

 

She doesn’t have to wait long, because Gert arrives soon after with everyone else.

 

She jumps off the stage and joins Molly on the sidelines while Gert makes a short speech about the play and her 'vision'- a very serious speech that she doesn’t mock in any way with Molly, no sir. After that everyone kind of does their own thing, since Gert's busy talking with Alex and Chase about the lighting and with Molly about the settings she wants to put up, so she decides to finally go meet Xavin and run through a few lines together, but they mostly get to know each other- Xavin is genderfluid and prefers they/them pronouns, they wants to become a politician like their parents, and got pushed into acting in the play by Gert because she convinced them that it would help them get into Harvard.

 

And it's fun, hanging out with old friends and meeting people like her- she mentally kicks herself for not having joined the GSA when Gert had founded it- and like all things fun, it's over after a few hours. At the end of it Gert gives them the schedule for the rehearsals- Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays- and Karolina is weirdly excited all weekend for it. Maybe she won't regret this as much as she thought.

 

She's proven so, so wrong next practice.

 

It starts okay, she has her script in her hands so she's physically unable to say the wrong lines, and Xavin is kind of perfect for the role of Maid Marian, particularly good at shootingquick witty banter, but something feels wrong in her guts. Gert had stopped them twice already, making them redo a few lines, then again some more. She doesn’t know how, but next thing she knows she's in an old unused classroom, grasping for breath.

 

She lets herself fall down to the dusty floor, her back sliding slowly against the wall and knees curling up to her chest and arms hugging them there. She props her head on her forearms, hair falling down in waves all around it. Why did she let Gert talk her into this? She's no good at this stuff. She'll only let people down. It's so... _embarrassing_ to say her lines even in front of a few people, and she doesn't even want to think of how many there'll be when they'll act in front of an actual audience.

 

A knock on the half closed door makes her raise her head, she finds Nico leaning on the doorway, a soft smile on her lips, “Can I come in?”

 

She turns her head, and nods, watches her as she enters the room and sits beside her.

 

“Stage fright?”

 

“We can call it that, yes.”

 

“What happened? I seem to remember you never had problems performing when we were kids.”

 

She remembers that.

 

Alex and Chase pretend sword fights with sticks to decide who'd save Karolina, the princess in the tower. She remembers that time when Gert had swooped in and demanded Karolina saved herself, because she was tired of the “damsel in distress narrative”. She remember especially well that other time when Nico had entered the game and beaten up both boys, and was the one who ended up saving Karolina from the dragon- Molly roaring on Gert's shoulders with a bathrobe thrown over them. She remembers...

 

“That was different, it wasn't in front of a crowd.”

 

“So, the Karolina Dean is human after all...”

 

“Shut up, don't say my name like that,” she shoves her a little, laughing, “It's just that the lines are so cheesy. It's dumb. I'm dumb.”

 

“No, you're not. C'mon give me that,” Nico wrestles the script out of her hands, “I'll help.”

 

“You really don’t have to, it's fine.”

 

“It's no problem. We can't have our lead star not know her lines after all.”

 

Nico gives her her cue, gesturing for her to start practising. They continue through the bit that had given Karolina problems when she had run the lines with Xavin, with Nico the words flow easily.

 

It should not be so easy to say these lines to Nico, but it is, so simple she wonders if the problem earlier was that she wasn't saying them to Nico, if the reason why the words sounded so cheesy and overdone when she was saying them to Xavin _was_ that she was saying them to them. The words come so easy to her lips that she knows they were written just for her to say to Nico, meant just for the two of them in the silence of an empty classroom, and not for an audience.

 

She knows she's imagining the soft blush on Nico's cheeks, knows she's imagining the fondness behind her eyes and the softest of smiles on her lips, but she can't stop, won't stop pretending. She knows she's only projecting her feelings onto her, that Nico is only pretending, but god, Karolina never wants this moment to end, even if it's fake, even if it's all in her head. How fucked up is that?

 

And in that moment, she knows also that she's really lucky that Gert hadn't thought of making Nico play her love interest, that she had only involved her to help them with the costumes, because having Nico look at her like this, saying these lines about love and fate and redemption to Karolina... it's a sweet kind of torture, but a torture nonetheless. Hope dangling on a string in front of her traitorous heart, only to be ripped apart everytime she thinks of Nico's lips on Alex's, her hands on his shoulders, so she reminds herself it's acting, she's just acting. Just acting.

 

And when her deluded mind makes it seems like Nico's leaning in slowly, getting closer and closer and closer to her lips, she reminds herself of it again and turns away from her with a laugh. She's not that much of a masochist. She rubs her neck, and looks away from Nico, trying to erase the image of Nico's face so close to hers- she just knows it'll hunt her for the rest of her days.

 

(She knows she imagines the disappointment on Nico's face when she pulls away.)

 

She stands up quickly, brushing off the dust from her pants, “Let's go back. I can do it now, and I'm sure everyone's tired of waiting for my drama queen freak-out to end.”

 

She offers Nico a hand and pulls her up. Only she misjudges by far the amount of strength needed, because not only does she pulls Nico up on her feet but she also sends her straight into Karolina, who loses her balance and has to put a hand on Nico's back to steady herself accomplishing nothing else than pushing their bodies together more, until they're pressed head to toe together.

 

Shit.

 

Her heart skips a beat and then starts to thunder in Karolina's ears, so loud she's almost afraid Nico can hear it through her touch- because she can feel every inch of Nico's body pressed up against her, she can feel her hand trapped in between their bodies and the slope of her chest and the point of her chin. She can feel everything and it's too little and too much all the same. She feels warm, Nico's touch burning her through her clothes. It feels familiar. It feels like-- she catches herself and banishes that thought back were it belongs- in the little box labelled never open.

 

They spring apart, awkwardly, clumsily, almost falling to the ground in the process. Karolina smiles tentatively when they finally manage to right themselves, and Nico laughs. It's beautiful. She doesn't think she has ever heard Nico laugh like this, it's full and a little on the verge of hysterics. And what else can she do but join her? That's how Chase finds them, laughing so hard they're bent on their knees. He leaves the room shaking his head, Karolina moves to follow him when Nico stops her with a hand on her wrist.

 

“I missed you, you know? I missed my best friend.”

 

The word 'friend' warms her heart and freezes it in her chest all at once.

 

“I-- I didn't know actually. You didn't look like you did.”

 

“I did. Believe me, I did. I know it's my fault we even stopped talking but-- I don't know. I didn't know how to handle it all.”

 

“I know,” Nico's face drops a little and she rushes to speak, “It's fine, we're talking now, aren't we?”

 

Nico hugs her, and Karolina wonders.

 

_How long is too long? How much is too much?_

 

These are questions Karolina has asked herself a lot since this whole situation started.

 

How long can she laugh at Nico's jokes, how long can she touch Nico on her shoulder before it's too much, how long can she stare at her when she's not looking. But mostly, how much until Nico realizes it, how much until everything falls, how much until it's all out in the open. After all this time, the only thing she's learnt to do was how to tone down what she feels for Nico, out of pure self preservation, and she knows it won't last long.

 

Instinct for survival- maybe that's the only reason why she has yet to say anything about it, why the words burn red hot and leave a coppery taste in her mouth- like holy water against her lips, down her throat, until she's drowning on all the words left unsaid, until all that's left is the empty space between her mouth and her heart. But she also knows that one day the dam will break, because, despite knowing what will happen if she acts on those feelings, she'll act on them all the same, in the end. It's foolish to even think she could ever survive being in love with Nico. So maybe after all she is a masochist.

 

She's pretty good at chemistry- despite the stereotypes on gays and maths, which are kinda true in her case okay, but chemistry is different- and she knows what happens in chemical reactions.

 

They're inevitable, the elements reacting to one another even when you don’t make them, you can't stop a chemical reaction you can only make it faster, only introduce a catalyst in the reaction and watch it speed up the process. You can also try and slow down the process, but inhibitors don't work in the long run, especially not in this case. She and Nico have been an on going reaction for a long time, she knows they won't need much more to explode. And she knows who will be the one to burn out.

 

They hug for a few moments, until Chase calls for them loudly again.

 

The rest of practice is uneventful in comparison, almost boring to be honest. She runs her lines with Xavin- they sound bland and cheap again, but she manages- and then she goes home to scream into a pillow until she falls asleep on it. Is this God's punishment? Is this what she deserves? She's a nice enough person, this shouldn't be her life.

 

She's interrupted right in the middle of her pity party by a text.

 

**Unknown (19.25):** _hey, it's Julie. Got your number from Gert. Wanted to let you know the party is this friday at Xavin's._ _See you there ;))_

 

She sends back an okay and a smiley face, and Julie sends her one last winking face. She smiles down at her phone. Not everything has been bad. She takes a deep breath, staring up at her ceiling. She can still see the signs where she and her father had put up the glow in the dark stars when she was eight. She had put them down when she was fifteen, but sometimes she misses them. Or maybe she misses being eight and weightless, standing on her father's shoulders because they couldn’t find a ladder in the house, trusting him not to let her fall.

 

(Another Life Lesson: you can love someone with all of yourself, and they will still disappoint you.)

 

She looks to her wall, at the void in between the pictures where one of her sandwiched between her mother and her father stood- the empty space mocking her.

 

(Or maybe: parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, don't make compromises when they don’t, love yourself anyway.)

 

**

 

Friday night arrives way too fast, and Karolina is left digging through her wardrobe in search of something to wear. It's not her first party, but it may as well be. At least she knows it won't be too wild, since there won't be only juniors or seniors there. Still she's kind of nervous. She pulls on some high waisted dark blue jeans and a cropped yellow hoodie, barely showing a white sliver of skin where the two pieces meet. She stares at herself in the mirror for a beat too long before shrugging her shoulders and putting on her jeans jacket.

 

Sneaking out of the house is easy. Sneaking back in will be just as easy. It's been years since her parents had come to say goodnight to her, almost as many since they've actually been in Karolina's room. They all might as well be living in different houses for how much they see each other, a part from mandatory family dinners once a month or public events their lives never really cross.

 

When she arrives, the party is in full swing. She can see way too many people and almost as many cars parked all over the driveway and on the sidewalk just outside the house. She parks her car and takes a deep breath as she gets out. She pulls at the lapels of her jacket, closes the car with a click and walks up to the door. It's half way open, with a few pillows stuck in the doorway so that it can't close.

 

She finds the kitchen by following the trail of red paper cups and picks up a beer on her way, and starts searching for her friends. She finds them in the living room, sitting in a circle on the floor with most of the newly cast actors and spinning a bottle between them. Before she can retreat and avoid the humiliation of spin the bottle, Gert spots her and waves her over calling her name loudly. She takes a swig of her beer and approaches them.

 

“Finally! This game was getting boring.”

 

“Why are you playing spin the bottle?” she asks Gert as she sits down in between a laughing Molly and a _giggling_ Chase- who's probably already toying with the line between drunk and tipsy.

 

“We're not. It's truth or dare, but the bottle leaves it all to fate.”

 

Karolina rolls her eyes at Gert antics and takes another sip of her bottle. The next few rounds she's spared from having to play- _fate_ seems to like her- content in just watching her friends making asses of themselves. Molly is dared to do ten push-ups while balancing a bottle on her back, which she does with alarming ease, and Chase has to spend the rest of the game shirtless thanks to Alex- she sees the way Gert's gaze linger on his torso and thinks Alex may have done Chase a bigger favour he realizes. The problem arises when the bottle falls on her for the first time, and she's stupid enough to chose dare.

 

But it's Molly, sweet, innocent, Molly, she would never betray her by making her do something stupid or embarrassing.

 

“I dare you to--” she pauses for dramatic effect, “Kiss Julie.”

 

Molly is a traitor.

 

She pulls at the sleeves of her jumper. Julie puckers up her lips at her, teasingly, and Karolina rolls her eyes. They lean in, sharing a quick kiss. When Chase cheers loudly in her ear, she slaps his naked back, leaving a red mark behind. And it would have all ended there if Gert hadn't said “Not unlike your first kiss, uh?”

 

Karolina pierces Gert on the spot instantly shaking her head vigorously, but it's too late. Chase makes a delighted sound, spinning to Karolina expectantly, who in turn glares at him. Then she glares at Gert again for good measure.

 

“Wait, I thought I was your first kiss?” Chase says.

 

“You weren't. Thankfully.”

 

“It's real bad form to kiss a lesbian, Chase, shame on you.” Molly says, throwing a beer cap at him.

 

“I didn't know!” he splutters, dodging out of the way, “And I said I was sorry.”

 

Everything seems to go back to normal, the game picking up pace as more and more people got out of the circle abandoning the game- smarter people than Karolina, for sure- until it's Chases turn to spin the bottle again.

 

She knows it that moment while the bottle spins wildly on the floor, as she sees the glee in Chase's eyes, that she'll regret ever sitting down. She thought stuff like this only happened in bad romance books, the kind with a half naked man hugging a fainting woman on the cover type of books. It seems life wants to keep making a fool of Karolina, because the bottle does stop in front of her. She looks nervously to Chase who has a teasing smile on his lips and too much glee in his eyes. Coming to this party was such a bad idea.

 

“Karolina, truth or dare?” he asks.

 

“I-- uh, truth.” _Wrong answer,_ _Dean_ _._

 

“Who was your first kiss and how did it happen?”

 

Her eyes widen.

 

(A flash of soft lips and tentative hands, a brushed kiss in the dark, and then a more firm press, soft brown eyes and a muttered wow.)

 

Of all the questions... Molly starts cheering, unaware of the existential dread that just settled in Karolina's gut, she sees Gert elbow her gently in the side when she does, while something flickered across Nico's face, too quick to read before she covers it up again, Alex looks as blissfully unaware of the drama behind that question as Molly.

 

She clears her throat, wipes her all of the sudden sweaty palms on her jeans. “Is it too late to choose dare?”

 

“No,” he says cheekily, “I dare you to answer.”

 

“I'm sorry, that information has been redacted years ago.”

 

“C'mon Karolina, I just had to hear details about Gert's relationships I'm not sure I ever wanted to know, you can spill who your first kiss was.”

 

Chase's voice attracts the rest of the standby party-goers to the circle. Karolina feels sick.

 

“No backing down, Karolina, now I want to know too,” Alex jumps in, his arm wrapped around Nico's shoulders, “The way you avoid it it must be a good story.”

 

He doesn't even know how wrong he is.

 

The silence stretches, until Gert jumps in, “It was me. We were each other first kisses.”

 

Karolina has never loved someone more than she does Gert in this instant.

 

“No, she wasn't.” Molly says, confused “Yours was that boy at camp, remember?”

 

_Oh, come on!_ You know what? Fuck it. This is all Chase's fault, him and his inability of letting something go. This is her fault too, though. She's made a mess of things as soon as she had started protesting the question so much, she should have just lied right off the bat. That's what smart people do. She drains her bottle in one go, looks straight into Alex's eyes as she says it.

 

“Nico. It was Nico, and it was just before high school and a dare. You happy, now?”

 

She waits a second, sees the moment when what she said drops, the way every one in the circle reacts to her confession, Gert looking back with pity she doesn't want or need. She looks at Alex last, arm still over Nico's shoulder. Then she sits up with as much dignity as she can pretend she still posses, and heads outside, her back straight as an arrow until she's out of sight- she takes pride in not stumbling even once on her wait out. God, good way to let everyone know about your feelings, Dean, you do know lying was an option?

 

The last thing she expects is for Nico to follow after her, it's also the last thing she needs.

 

“Karolina! Wait!”

 

“What?” she turns, tiredness trumping any effort to hide the hurt in her voice.

 

“We were fourteen, I didn’t think it'd matter this much to you.”

 

Karolina looks at her.

 

“It was my first kiss of course it mattered. So what if it didn’t for you? Maybe you didn’t care for it and just wanted to be ready for when you kissed Alex, but it was important to me.”

 

“You know that's not it,” Nico says stepping closer to Karolina reaching out as if to touch her.

 

She dodges her hand with a scroll of her shoulders. It's a testament on how tired she feels that that's when she finally snaps, cold cracking into her words and her body.

 

“Then how was it, Nico? You kissed me and kissed Alex like a week later and then you disappeared for almost four years. What was the message I was supposed to get?”

 

“We're not together anymore. Me and Alex. Haven't been for a long time.”

 

“That's-- cool?”

 

“Listen, Karolina--”

 

She's not about to get rejected a second time by Nico.

 

“I told you, I got it loud and clear when we were fourteen and you stopped replying to my messages. You don’t think of me like that, it's fine,” and before Nico can say anything else she turns and walks away.

 

She's almost at her car when she feels a hand on her wrist and she turns, barking a what in the face of whoever had the courage to stop her another time. She regrets it as soon as she says it when she sees it's Julie.

 

“I'm sorry you had to say that in front of everyone,” she says.

 

“No, don’t be,” she passes a hand through her hair, sighing, “It's not like it's your fault.”

 

“I am, though. I'm also sorry I tried to ask you out. I didn't know you were involved with Nico.”

 

“We're not. Involved, I mean.”

 

“You sure she knows that? She looked, like, really green when we kissed, and it wasn't even a proper kiss.”

 

“I'm pretty sure.”

 

She moves closer, charming smile seemingly at home on her lips, “Then, can I ask you out?”

 

Karolina takes a step back, “I don’t think that's a good idea. I'm not looking for anything... serious.”

 

“What about something fun?” she takes another step, “Friends. Just friends who kiss sometimes, make out a little, maybe even make someone jealous. I'm not proposing. Not yet.”

 

“Julie...” she warns, but doesn't back away this time, Julie is now barely a breath away, all hooded lashes and parted lips.

 

“I promise I won't fall in love with you,” Julie whispers and hooks a hand behind her neck, kissing her.

 

This is a bad idea. Such a bad idea. Gert will probably have her head when she hears about their arrangement. But it's also good. Julie is good looking and a good kisser and who cares if she's not who Karolina wants? She wants someone to want her back, and it's selfish, and probably will backfire later, but for now Karolina kisses her back. She puts a hand on Julie's elbow, pulls her firmly against her with the other, kisses her back with fervour, licks into her mouth, until they have to break apart for air.

 

The air around them is charged, and Karolina doesn’t feel so cold anymore.

 

An inhibitor.

 

“Okay.”

 

Julie smiles and Karolina kisses her again under the yellow light of Xavin's driveway.

 

**

 

Their first kiss goes like this.

 

They're fourteen and left scrawny by puberty, awkward and rough around the edges, with baby fat on their cheeks and pointy elbows. (Nico is still the prettiest girl Karolina has ever seen.)

 

They're fourteen and they have just another week before high school starts, just one week before they have to face another change. Karolina is nervous, Nico isn't.

 

They're fourteen and they're on Nico's house roof, laying down on a blanket and splitting a beer they'd stolen from Amy's secret stash. It's bitter and lukewarm and leaves the worst after taste in her mouth, but they're fourteen and they want to feel old, and Karolina is getting good at pretending.

 

(Pretending not to be scared, pretending not to care, pretending to be fine all the time.)

 

It starts innocent enough. It starts with a half-assed game of Truth or Dare, and really, even then she should have know to stir clear from that stupid game, but she never learns now, does she? So it starts with a stupid game.

 

“Have you kissed anyone yet?”

 

“No,” Karolina blushes, looking away from Nico too focused gaze, she takes the bottle from her hands, “Have you?”

 

“No. I think Alex wants me to kiss him, though.”

 

“Do you?”

 

“I don't know,” Nico takes the bottle again, sprawls on the blanket hugging it to her chest, “I don’t even know if I like kissing or if I would like kissing him.”

 

“Oh.” Karolina takes the bottle back, a last sip, “Truth or Dare?”

 

“Dare.”

 

She thinks a few seconds, coming up with nothing, “I actually don’t know what to ask you, we're on a roof in the middle of the night and your parents are downstairs. Not exactly dare material. And it's late.”

 

Nico stands up, pulling Karolina with her, “Let's go to bed, the bottle is finished anyway.”

 

They get ready for bed, brushing their teeth side to side, changing into the oversized Disneyland shirts they like to call their bff pyjamas. And that's how the night should have ended, sharing a bed and a truly awful beer. If only.

 

“Hey. You awake?” Nico asks, not ten minutes after they had finally closed their eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Karolina rolls to face Nico, who's propped up on her elbow watching her in the dark.

 

“I thought something. What if-- What if we kissed each other? That way we get the first kiss out of the way and it's not a big deal anymore.”

 

“But it _is_ a big deal.”

 

“Yeah, I know. But I wouldn't mind it if my first kiss was you. You're my best friend. Would you?”

 

“I-- I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

 

“So, you wanna do it? We don’t have to tell anyone.”

 

Karolina feels her cheeks heat up, she hopes Nico doesn’t notice, “I don’t know how.”

 

“Just close your eyes.”

 

She does and waits. She feels Nico get closer, and closer, then there's a tentative press of soft lips on hers. She's warm against Karolina's mouth and her lips are unbelievably soft. She swears she can feel fireworks behind her eyelids and lightning on her fingertips. Nico puts a hand on the light cloth of the shirt, her fingers scorching Karolina's hips with the touch.

 

It's a children peck, a little innocent peck, and soon Nico pulls away. Karolina follows her mouth running on instinct, presses her lips to Nico's again, and then pulls away and slowly opens her eyes with a new found revelation she'll keep close to her chest for years. Nico mutters a wow, opens her eyes with a smile. Karolina is too busy calming her racing heart to do anything but smile weakly back.

 

A revelation.

 

A catalyst.

 

Karolina doesn't sleep that night.

 

They're fourteen when Karolina realizes she loves her best friend, and she lays awake listening to Nico's steady breathing, scared shitless- because everything that truly matters is in every way terrifying and leaves your heart trembling and your head reeling. She knows Nico doesn't feel the same way, after all she's not the one laying awake at 3 am because her best friend just kissed her.

 

She just kissed her.

 

How long had she been in love with Nico without even realizing it? She runs through every memory she has of them together, analysing them under new found light, and she isn't surprised to discover she had been for as long as she had breathed. And her attraction to Nico isn't isolated, she thinks of her elementary teacher- had she admired her for her teachings or because she was kind and pretty and smelled nice?- and that girl from that movie- older and so beautiful, that left her stammering and her heart stuttering- and... how had she not realized this sooner?

 

She was gay and in love with her best friend.

 

Nico makes a sound in her sleep and Karolina stills, but her mind doesn’t. Karolina doesn’t sleep that night.

 

(Nico does.)

 

In the morning, true to Nico's word, they don’t talk about it.

 

The second catalyst happens two months later.

 

The door's open.

 

She thought she was ready for it, for the confirmation of Nico's lack of feelings for her. She thought she had made her peace with it, but knowing something and seeing something are not the same thing. Seeing something hurt a hell of a lot more.

 

“Uh- Gert is looking for you...” she trails off, looking anywhere that isn't Nico. Nico with her lipstick smudged and straddling Alex on the bed. Nico who was kissing him on said bed. She should have knocked. The door was open. Why would they kiss with the door open? Who does that? Whatever.

 

Nico stands up quickly from Alex's lap, and brushes past her without a word, Alex tagging after her just as quickly. She waits until they go to let her face fall.

 

Nico's embarrassed, Karolina is heartbroken.

 

It's so stupid. Hope. You never know you're harbouring that little flame in between your ribs until it gets snuffed right out of your chest. She's so stupid. She thought that maybe... how pathetic can she be?

 

She pulls herself together, she doesn't have time to grieve the last shred of hope she didn't even know she had. It's fine. She's fine. She has to be fine.

 

She puts a smile on her face and goes to join the others.

 

(Life Lesson #2: you can love someone more than you think it's possible, that doesn’t mean they'll love you back.)

 

Things all fall apart a few weeks after, anyway.

 

**

 

Julie and her don't exactly keep the new found... improvement of their friendship a secret, but they don't shout it from rooftops either. Karolina knows how explaining their relationship could go wrong- knows how much Gert will push her and push her and push her- and she has never been fond of over the top PDA's anyway. Somehow this only ends up in a strange competition of who can sneak in more kisses without getting caught.

 

Julie is bolder.

 

She has her head in her locker searching for her books, when she feels a hand slip in her back pocket, and then a voice whisper in her ear.

 

“Those jeans look good on you.”

 

She laughs while emerging from he locker, pulls Julie hand away from her ass.

 

“You are a touch out of control.”

 

“And you are boring.”

 

She rolls her eyes affectionately, pulling her books to her chest and starting walking to her next class, “What brings you here?”

 

“There's a party this weekend and I was wondering if I can convince you to come with me,” Julie says while taking her books from her with a flourish and continuing walking her to her classroom.

 

Karolina makes a face, “Nope. Don't think so. I have a test Monday and I'm not failing, even for you.”

 

“Boooooring. I made you pass maths, remember? Maybe it's time you fail a class for me. To repay me.”

 

“If I knew that kissing you would have lead to you being a hurricane I would have made better life choices,” taking back her books and stopping in front of her English classroom.

 

Julie pouts at that, then she walks away after blowing a raspberry in her direction.

 

“I'll get you next time!” she yells over her shoulder.

 

“I doubt it!” she yells back.

 

She smiles fondly as Julie hurries through the hallway to get to her class in time.

 

Julie is... a distraction, she's a breath of fresh air. She's fun and uncomplicated and everything that her and Nico never were- even in their friendship everything seemed so _much_ , almost overwhelmingly so. All-consuming, everlasting, and at the same time never enough- and Julie likes her in a way Nico will never, she reminds herself.

 

So yes, Julie is fun, Julie is sweet, Julie is not a heartbreaking kind of love, she's safe and she likes her. Then why doesn’t Karolina want more? Why is it than when they kiss she doesn’t ache, doesn’t long for more in the way Nico's innocent kiss did? She wants to want more, wants to get over Nico, but her love for her is not the kind of love that just washes over the shore, it's the kind of love that pulls her under the waves, the kind of love that keeps her breathing even in the deepest depths of the ocean.

 

But it's also the kind of love that's unrequited, one-sided, that leaves her feeling cold, and she's so tired of feeling cold.

 

**

 

Two weeks later Julie actually accomplishes her goal.

 

Despite her protesting they've decided to go to a party at one of Julie's friend's house on Saturday. She does not have the best track record with parties, and she doubts this one will be much different. But Julie had insisted, and she knows she'll probably find Gert and Chase there- they're leaving each other sides less and less, now that's she thinks about it- so Karolina agrees after putting up a mock fight that ended with Julie bribing Karolina with a making out session on Karolina's bed.

 

They arrive late, because Julie first gives her the wrong address and they end up on the other side of town, then they stop for fries on their way to the party when Julie learns that she had to skip dinner to get ready. And she wants to state for the record that she did _not_ spend half her afternoon deciding what to wear only to settle on the first outfit she had put on- a red flannel open over a crop top and black jeans- but when she mentioned that in passing, Julie had stared at her unrelenting until she had agreed to stop for food. So by the time they arrive, people are already well on their way to drunk.

 

They find Gert and Chase, after they make a detour to the kitchen to get a drink for Julie. They're sitting so close together on a sofa, she may as well be sitting on his lap. She wonders if they'll succeed to pull their shit together by opening night or if they'll continue to torture them forever with their will-they won't-they act.

 

They dance for most of the night, jumping in time with the loud music, pulling each other closer and then letting the other go, twirling one another and bumping into strangers, and it's fun and silly and everything Karolina had missed on for the first sixteen years of her life. When Julie pulls her up the stairs and into a bathroom, she lets her kiss her against the door, muffled bass vibrating through it and against her back, because making out with Julie is fun and she likes it. Julie starts to kiss her neck and she gasps for breath, tilting her head back to give her more access. That's when she ears a startled noise and opens her eyes and finds Nico staring at her, frozen in place near the sink, looking at her as if Karolina had grown two heads. She pushes Julie away.

 

Great.

 

She and Nico have been skirting around each other since the night of the Truth or Dare incident, after she had declared her past- present, future- love for her and now she literally catches her with her hand under Julie's shirt.

 

Real awesome.

 

“What? Is something wrong?” Julie turns and sees Nico, the situation dawning on her all at once. “I... I'll go wait by the car,” she kisses her cheek before practically bolting out of the bathroom, abandoning her with Nico in someone's bathroom.

 

(She suddenly feels the strangest sense of déjà vu. Another time, another kiss, another witness.)

 

They stand in silence- or as silence as you can have in a bathroom just a floor above a party- for a few moments, then Nico speaks.

 

“Are you and Julie...” Nico trails off, looking at anything but her eyes. She ends up fixating on her bare stomach for more than a few seconds and Karolina flexes involuntarily. (When she sees Nico's eyes bulge out of their orbits at the motion, she may do so again, tensing her stomach tight and enjoying Nico's flushing- she's only human, after all.)

 

“Friends?” she interrupts, “Yes.”

 

“No, I meant-- is she-- are you two dating?”

 

“We're just friends.”

 

“Please, you've been reeking of hook up for the last two weeks.”

 

“We were just making out,” she adjust her flannel's collar in the mirror above the sink, “And we're just friends, even if it's not much of your business.”

 

“Friends don’t kiss.”

 

“Don’t they, Nico?” she asks lightly as she puts her hand on the knob and tries to step outside of the door and this conversation.

 

Nico grabs her hand before she can exit, pulling her into the bathroom again.

 

“What?”

 

“Why are you hooking up with Julie?”

 

“I told you, we're just friends,” she sighs.

 

“Sure.”

 

“What is it to you anyway?”

 

“Nothing, I just think-- nothing.”

 

Anger bubbles in Karolina's gut, hot and sudden, as she yells, “You have no right!”

 

“You're my best friend!” Nico shouts back, then more quietly, “I'm just worried about you.”

 

“Since when? You disappeared for three years and now you want to give me relationship advice?” she says, and as she looks at Nico, hands balled into fists at her sides, she's reminded again of the years passed apart, and all she can feel is anger.

 

“I apologized!”

 

“Why do you even care? Or what, you're the only one I'm allowed to kiss and then have it not mean anything?”

 

“It didn’t mean nothing!” Nico says so indignant Karolina almost expects her to stomp her foot on the floor like a child.

 

“Sure looked like it.”

 

“We said we didn’t have to talk about it.”

 

“Well apparently we did have to,” she says as she brushes past her and into the party again, side stepping drunk people and dancing bodies. She feels sick.

 

She's so fucking done for the night.

 

She finds Gert with Chase on her way out and says goodbye to them, she finds Julie near her car, and starts the car, cracking up the AC. They drive in silence, radio spitting nothing but statics, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel without rhythm, until Julie puts a hand on top of hers where it's laying on the shift.

 

“I'm still not in love with you and we're not exclusive.”

 

Karolina barks out a laugh. Of all the things to say to someone while holding their hand.

 

“You say the sweetest things.”

 

“And this is just for fun, and I don’t expect anything from you, and if you want to pursue something more serious you have my blessing,” she continues.

 

“I know, I know. Wait. What do you mean?”

 

“I see how she looks at you, when she thinks nobody is looking. Don’t throw it away just because your scared, or to make out with me.”

 

“But making out with you is fun!”

 

“I'm serious, Karolina.”

 

Karolina pulls over at that.

 

“I know and I appreciate it. But she doesn’t feel the same way and I'm good with it. I've had almost four years to accept it.”

 

“She looked positively green, Karo, maybe you don’t have to. Don’t quit before the miracle happens.”

 

“Julie,” she sighs, and tells her the truth she was too scared to voice out loud, “I don’t think I have the strength to hope anymore.”

 

Julie cups her face, pulls her in slowly and kisses her softly, tenderly. She hugs her, hides her face in her neck.

 

“I know. Take this as explicit permission, though.”

 

“So, to recap, we're just friends, you don’t love me like that, and we can keep making out until that changes. Is that all?”

 

Julie pulls away with a laugh, “Shut up and drive me home.”

 

“Yes ma'am.”

 

She drives for another bit until she speaks out, “You know that you can end this if you want anything more serious too, right?”

 

“Yeah, and don’t worry I'll let you down easy when Xavin finally asks me out,” she says mock serious.

 

“I think they will do it faster if you, you know, _talked_ to them, you know?”

 

“But where's the fun in that?”

 

Karolina laughs.

 

When she collapses on her bed later, coming home to an empty house as always, she finds a text waiting for her on her phone.

 

**Nico (00.03):** _im_ _sorry._

 

**Nico (00.08):** _can we talk?_

 

She doesn’t know how to feel about it.

 

The more she thinks about it, the more she doesn’t know how she feels about it.

 

She didn't realize how bitter she was with Nico about the kiss until she had to confront it, didn't know how to be okay with the fact her best friend had hurt her and not even realized it. And now Nico is judgemental about who Karolina decides to not-date.

 

They should talk, communication is the key to a healthy relationship, as Gert would say- but it's rich to think they even have a relationship to talk about at the moment.

 

She turns on her side, stares at the picture of all of them she never had the heart to take off the wall. It's old, taken when they were about twelve, when she didn't yet tower over Nico and Gert. They all have their arms around each other, hugging in Chase's backyard still wet from the pool, and from what she can remember it was a good day. They're smiling and it's the happiest she's ever looked, squished between Nico and Alex, Molly pushed against her stomach and Gert and Chase against her back.

 

She falls asleep looking at Nico's smile.

 

(She dreams she's standing on the edge of a cliff, looking at the city light up at night. It's warm. Someone calls her and she turns, arms wrapping around her easily. She bends down to kiss her, and Nico kisses her back.)

 

She wakes up.

 

**

 

Nico's text goes unanswered all day.

 

Not that Karolina hasn't been staring at it since she's gotten it. She doesn’t know how she can over analyse a five word message, but she manages fantastically. She amazes herself every day. But they can't keep going like this forever, for one they'll see each other sooner or later at rehearsals, and also for how much Nico had hurt her, she misses her, and she knows it's not her fault if she doesn't love her and she can't keep punishing her. She's been petty enough at the party.

 

It's nearly seven when she finally decides she knows what to say to Nico.

 

**Karolina (18.48):** _timely's tmrw bf school?_

 

**Nico (18.50):** _ok._

 

Safe to say she doesn’t sleep much that night either.

 

The next morning she's there at nearly 4 am, nursing her second cup of tea when Nico finally comes in, looking as tired as Karolina feels. Still beautiful though. Always beautiful. She goes to order at the counter and then sits in front of Karolina, holding her cup- six shot of espresso, no sugar, no cream.

 

“So...” Nico starts, trailing off as if waiting for Karolina to fill the gaps. She's too tired to pretend today.

 

“You wanted to talk.”

 

“Yes. I've realized that we can't keep avoiding each other forever. And I don’t want to avoid you forever, because I do miss you, I wasn't lying the other day. And I was pretty rude to you and Julie last night, because you're right it's not any of my business, but I want it to be.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean I want us to be friends again. I know I probably don’t deserve it after how I fucked up things last time, but I really miss having you as my friend Karrie.”

 

Her heart flutters in her chest at the old nickname. She watches Nico. Her hair is shorter- and greener on the tips- her make up darker as are her clothes, but she's still the first- only- girl she has ever loved, she's still the girl who used to be her best friend.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. I missed you too and, honestly, I really just want to move on. But you kind of have to apologize to Julie too.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I will.”

 

“Then we're fine.”

 

She sees Nico take a relieved breath at that, shoulders straightening as if not longer holding the weight of the world. And just like that it's as if a fog is lifted, and Karolina can breathe again. A few moments pass quietly, comfortably, the only sound in the coffee shop the few and far between costumers. But Karolina can't stop thinking about something.

 

“Why don’t you like her?”

 

“Who?”

 

“Julie. Why don’t you like her?”

 

“I don’t not like her.”

 

Karolina sends her a look, a stop-being-difficult look.

 

“I just-- I'll try okay?” she says.

 

“Okay,” she stands up, keys jingling in her hand, “C'mon I'll give you a ride to the school, the bus will be swamped by now.”

 

“I think I'll brave the bus if you still drive like you did when we were twelve.”

 

Karolina makes an affronted noise, “I was fine! I swear you crash one toy car...”

 

Nico laughs standing up and throwing away their drinks, “You crashed it into Chase's pool. From the first floor.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Nico just laughs harder.

 

(Karolina's heart skips a beat.)

 

**

 

Months pass and it's slow, consistent progress after that, but it's good.

 

They're friends again and it's good. Great, even. Nico's still weird around Julie- if she didn’t know better she'd think that Nico is jealous, but that can't be it- and she tolerates her when she hangs with them which is progress. Julie isn't even mad about the fact they spend less time together because of that, times that she spends with Xavin instead, and every time she learns she's hanging out with Nico she just winks at her, annoying and all-knowing.

 

They hang out as a group, too. The whole group. It feels like when they were kids, not as inseparables but close enough that Karolina falls into old habits- carrying extra water bottles for Chase, extra bob-ties for Nico, bringing Alex lunch when he doesn’t show up, too caught up in the Audio Video Club- and that meant also hanging out at each others' houses.

 

On a side note, Karolina really likes pools.

 

It may seem like a new development to anybody who has ever known her, or anybody that has ever heard her complain about pool water and chlorine, and that's because it is.

 

Karolina really likes Chase's pool in particular- even weirder considering her history of terror with the pool in question- but at the moment Chase's pool is Karolina's favourite place on heart. And that is in no way related to the fact that Chase's pool currently has a black bikini wearing Nico in it. Not at all. And she hasn't spent the last twenty minutes subtly ogling her from where she's tanning on the pool side, while Chase talked to her. She's totally listening and not distracted by the vision of Nico clad only in a bikini demonstrating a back-flip to Molly, no sir. She totally hears everything Chase is saying to her.

 

She totally doesn’t.

 

“I'm sorry what?”

 

Chase smiles knowingly, and repeats himself.

 

“Can we do a bonfire at your house this weekend? It's the last one before the week of the opening and I think it'd be fun, to hang out all together and have a bonfire by the beach.”

 

That gets her attention, “Chase, isn't it kind of illegal to light a fire on a beach?”

 

“Nope. I checked it. Also technically it's your private property so even if it was...”

 

“Right, okay, but why do you want to light a bonfire?”  
  


“Because it's fun!”

 

“And?”

 

“And Gert has been so stressed out lately I wanted to do something relaxing, something nice. And your house is the only one near the beach. Please.”

 

She smirks, “Chase you big, adorable jock. Of course I'll help you de-stress your girlfriend.”

 

“She's not my girlfriend.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“At least I don’t think.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“We haven't talked about that yet, okay? And it's for everyone.”

 

“Sure thing, Chase. Hang in there buddy,” she says as she pats his back.

 

Chase rolls his eyes, but smiles like a goof when Gert waves at him from the pool. Karolina shakes her head and goes to join the others jumping in the pool.

 

She doesn’t think of her conversation with Chase until the weekend arrives and Chase is standing outside her door with wood and more marshmallows than a person can carry let alone eat, Molly just behind him with even more wood and chocolate. They put towels on the shore and build a safe bonfire, stacking the wood and sealing it off with big rocks they find near by. By the time they're done preparing she has barely time to put on her bikini and some shorts before the rest of her friends start to come- Julie can't, she's out of town with her family, but she sends encouraging texts and a lot of winking faces.

 

It's fun, and kinda exhausting. By the end of it, she watches her friends go to the guest house where they put the sleeping bags, and Karolina is left alone on the beach, wrapped in a beach towel while watching the fire burn as she feeds it the last of the wood.

 

Nico finds her there some hours later, still sitting on the beach in front of the bonfire no more logs left at her side, watching the flames crack and die slowly in the sand, the sparks flying high in the dark sky, mixing with the stars and satellites. It's late and they should go to sleep, but she sits on the log where Karolina's lying her back on, and offers her a cold beer, instead. Karolina takes it and brings it to her lips.

 

“Pretty lonely,” Nico whispers under her breath.

 

“Uh?”

 

“I heard you talking with Gert earlier, or more like I heard Gert's rant about the environmental waste of living in a mansion by the beach. And yes, she's right and all, but I don’t think you were lucky to live here. It must have been lonely.”

 

Oh.

 

Karolina understands the weird look from earlier. Nico is very observant, she had almost forgotten how she could read Karolina without even trying, but she's kind of an open book to Karolina too- you can't grow up together and not end up knowing everything about each other's mannerism- and she understands what Nico isn’t saying.

 

“How are you doing with Amy away?”

 

Nico's mouth pulls into a sad smile, keeps looking into the flames, “The house is so empty, now. Don't get me wrong, I like not having to wait forever for the bathroom in the mornings, but--”

 

“It's lonely, a big house and nobody to fill it.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“It's whatever. Amy skypes us and she visits sometimes but the MIT is so far away and she's so busy...”

 

“You won't lose her, you know?”

 

Nico turns and stares into Karolina's eyes, she whispers, “I know.”

 

Karolina pushes herself up onto the log, her bare legs brushing against Nico's. They stay there, comfortable in the quiet understanding of each other, as they watch the fire slowly die. Nico shivers, and she opens up her towel, bringing it over both their shoulders. She tries not to think about how much bare skin she's touching, because they're friends, and Karolina can do friends, she can.

 

(Nico shifts, and she's a liar because she can't, she can't, she can't.)

 

“Are you--” Nico starts.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. It's not important.”

 

Karolina turns her head, and it hits her all at once how close they're sitting to each other, how Nico had stopped shivering, how the flickering light made her every feature divine.

 

Nico is beautiful, so much so she's sometimes surprised by it- not like the sudden realization of a night sky, but like the way you can walk the same bridge for years, think of it as pretty always, and one day the sun hits the river just right and the whole thing is golden and you're _compelled_ to stop and look. That's how she feels, really, constantly in awe of Nico, forever enchanted, always on her knees before her. She looks into her eyes and she forgets every religion that has ever existed, every truth proclaimed on a soapbox by lying teeth, every prayer uttered by sinners' hearts.

 

(She had never understood martyrs, how could anyone destroy themselves and call it love, but then, she thinks, to cast herself on her knees before her and knowing she'd do anything, anything, everything. Or maybe her problem is how she had always understood them too much.)

 

The fire flickers again and Karolina's breath catches in her throat.

 

_So beautiful._

 

Nico turns to look at her, wide eyes and half open mouth, “What?”

 

Karolina's face heats up, “Did I say that out loud?”

 

“Did you just call me beautiful?”

 

“Well, I mean... you are?”

 

“Oh.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.” Nico looks away, cheeks lit by a light blush, stays quiet for a few seconds then blurts out all at once, “Why are you just friends with Julie?”

 

Karolina startles at the completely out of nowhere question, hands fidgeting with the fringe of the blanket as she tries to put her tumbling thoughts into an answer.

 

“I-- we just don’t fit like that. Like, it's fun and I like her but there's no- I don’t know- like, have you ever felt a connection to someone, instantly?”

 

“Not with anyone I dated, no.”

 

“Well I want that again. And with Julie there isn’t. But we still like each other so we hang out.”

 

“Okay,” Nico stares into the fire, “Who was the one you felt the connection to?”

 

“Uh?”

 

“You said again, who was the other one?” she asks again.

 

“You're serious?” Karolina pulls away, towel falling down in the sand behind them.

 

“Yes?”

 

She huffs, disbelieving, “God, Nico, I've-- how can you even ask me that? You know why.”

 

“What?” Nico asks with confused eyes.

 

“Forget it.” she stands up brushing the sand away from her shorts and walking back to the guest house.

 

She finds her sleeping bag by the door, looks at her friends sound asleep on the floor, finds Gert and Chase in another room sharing what looks like two sleeping bags sawn together- she smiles, at least someone got their shit together. She closes the door and puts her sleeping bag by the couch, careful not to wake Molly up, and slips into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

 

**

 

The next day, Karolina is sleep deprived and waiting for her turn to act sitting at the back of the theatre, watching Julie rehearse her part of the scenes with a touch of disinterest while listening to Alex ramble about electronics. Gert is still nowhere to be seen- either nursing a hungover or still hooking up with Chase- and for now they're taking turns playing bits of the play without a script, competing on who has memorized more of the script as of now. She collapses further down the cushion chair, switching her focus back to Alex's tinkering with the light effects board.

 

“So you connect this wire to this other one and...”

 

The lights on stage switch colour, and suddenly it seems like Xavin and Julie are standing in an orange sunset, they look surprised their way for a second before they carry on. She sits up in awe.

 

“Wow. That's amazing, Alex.”

 

He fidgets with his glasses, pushing them further up his nose, mumbling an 'it's nothing'

 

“No, really, you're really good at this stuff.”

 

Alex smiles, toothy and pearly white, and she remembers the boy he used to be- one of her best friends- and she feels guilty. She clears her throat with unease.

 

“You know, I've never apologized for what happened at the party. And I am. Sorry, I mean.”

 

“It's fine Karolina, really. And it's not like we're still together or anything, and I know you didn't do it while we _actually_ were together, it's not like I have any right to be angry.”  
  


“But it'd be okay, if you were.”

 

“But I'm not,” he hugs her, “And for what it's worth I'm sorry too. For not trying harder when we split up. I missed you.”

 

“I missed you, too,” she breathes over his shoulder.

 

“And if you feel so guilty, I guess you could help me with this,” he nudges her, eliciting a laugh from her, “Come on, I want to show you what I had in mind for mimicking fog.”

 

She listens to his next explanation with more attention, smiling as he sounds more and more excited with his solutions to Gert's vision. She missed spending time with him, more than she realized, more than she expected. That's how Nico finds them almost a half hour later, him tinkering with the board still, and her looking over the back of the chair, laughing together.

 

“Hey, it's your turn to try on the costumes.”

 

She sits up, “Ok. See you later, Alex.”

 

He says goodbye to her, not really looking up from where he's intent in stripping a small cable with a Swiss knife. She follows Nico as they walk in silence, the tension from the bonfire stiffling any attempt of small talk between them. Nico stops in her tracks halfway to the small classroom they're using as their backstage storage room.

 

“I forgot my phone with Gert, you go in. Try on something from the hanger on the right, I'll be quick.”

 

Karolina steps into the room, closing the door behind her. She finds the clothes rack Nico was talking about- half full with clothes and with a sign spelling out 'Robin' hanging on a coat hanger- and starts by putting on a cream-coloured shirt.

 

The sleeves are too short, and it's a bit tight on her chest, but she doesn’t think it's much of a problem if it'd always be hidden by a coat. She takes it off, but doesn’t bother putting her t-shirt on again, figuring it'd only be the first shirt of many. She's trying on a black pair of breeches- which really are only a pair glorified thighs- when Nico comes in.

 

She freezes, her hands hesitating on the zip for a second- she's in a _bra_ , in front of _Nico_ \- she turns to the mirror, looking at her reflection and finding Nico's eyes trained on her. She sees the faintest blush on Nico's cheeks, for some reason, but she shakes her head and walks up to Karolina quickly.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hi, again.”

 

“How was the shirt?”

 

“Fine. A bit short maybe.”

 

Nico hums and crouches down, looks at the hem of the pants.

 

“We'll probably have to shorten this, or maybe not. The boots have a bit of a heel... try them.”

 

Karolina bends down and puts them on, she's half through lacing them when she looks up and sees Nico's cheeks heat up again staring at her, as soon as she notices Karolina looking back at her she coughs, turning away from her, stance tense again. She wonders why.

 

“It's better. But I should still... Can you--” she clears her throat, still looking away from Karolina, “Can you put on that green shirt?”

 

Karolina finds the shirt Nico means quickly, incredibly soft and the colour of grass when wet by the morning dew, and starts to put it on. Only she messes up somehow with the buttons and ends up stuck in it, arms sticking out over her head flapping uselessly. She struggles a bit more, but only manages to tangle herself more.

 

“Uhm Nico, help.”

 

Nico is at her side in an instant, and even through the dark fabric Karolina can see she's trying really hard not to outright laugh in her face. She appreciates the effort. After a few seconds Nico manages to put Karolina's shirt down, and she realizes all at once how close together they are, so close she knows she could find the specks of gold she knows are in Nico's eyes.

 

Everything around them is still, and she doesn’t know she could even notice if everything wasn't- she thinks they could be standing in the middle of an earthquake and Karolina wouldn't notice the ground shaking. The only things she can focus on is Nico's touch- her hands pressing lightly on where they lay on Karolina's hips- Nico's lips- so close to hers and so soft and so kissable.

 

As quickly as it's cast, the spell is broken when Nico backs away, hands smoothing away imaginary wrinkles on Karolina's shirt.

 

“Yeah,” she clears her throat again, goes to stand near the clothes hanger with haste and returning just as quickly, as if torn between staying away and touching Karolina again.

 

“Yeah,” she says again, “this one is perfect. Why don’t you try it with this on?”

 

She hands Karolina a simple enough leather jacket- a dark brown that matches perfectly with her belt- and then she drapes a beautiful dark green cloak over her shoulders and fastens it with a big copper brooch, a half-moon clasp on the right side of the cloak. It's soft and smooth to the touch, the fabric heavy but the weight of it is not uncomfortable on Karolina's shoulders, almost comforting actually. She runs a hand on the delicate embroidery present on most of the surface, small copper coloured leaves and vines lining the hem of the hood, running the length of the cloak all the way to the ground, and a small pinecone right on her heart. She suddenly wishes capes were back in fashion.

 

As she watches the embroidery glint in the light she marvels at Nico's work. She can't help but thing of how Nico had really got her character right. Robin Hood was a noble before becoming a thief, someone who fell from grace when he had refused to bow down, and Karolina can't help but relate to that somehow.

 

(She never was popular at Chase's former level, sure, but she had every characteristic that made someone popular in a place like Atlas, rich parents, famous parents, good looks... she wasn't popular, but she wasn't invisible either. Then Chase had kissed her when they were fifteen and she was confronted with her truth again, only that time she had been brave enough to refuse to bow down too.

 

And she fell from grace.)

 

“It's amazing, Nico.”

 

“It's nothing. The amount of money Gert threw my way to buy all of this was more than enough to splurge a bit and then some. You look gorgeous, so it's worth it.”

 

Karolina cheeks light up at the compliment, and she looks away, she opens her mouth to reply when Gert storms in the room.

 

“Thank god you're here. I have to talk to you,” she barges in, looks at her properly, “Oh, you look amazing. Good job, Nico.”

 

“Thanks, I'll leave you to it.”

 

As Nico gets out of the room, Gert pulls on her jacket's sleeves excitedly.

 

“Nico likes you!”

 

“What? No she doesn’t.”

 

“She does! After you left her on the beach, she talked to Chase and then Chase talked to me and now I'm telling you!”

 

“You were asleep!”

 

“Yeah, she had no qualms waking us both up, the bitch.”

 

“She doesn’t like me!” Karolina switches line of defence, as she throws her hands in the air, “Why does everyone think that?”

 

“Uh, because she does, duh! Since you've started dating Julie-”

 

“Not dating.”

 

Gert rolls her eyes, “Whatever, she's been so jealous lately, I don’t know how you don’t see it.”

 

“She's just acting the same as always.”

 

“Please.”

 

“I don’t care what you think, she doesn’t like me so why do you keep bringing it up?”

 

“Because I know stories! I know stories and I think the one you and Nico have is one of the best stories there is. The point is you don’t give up on stories, so don’t give up now.”

 

“Reality is not a story, Gert. Not everyone can have their childhood best friend madly in love with them, and you should stop trying to push us together, something that won't happen, just because you feel guilty about your own happiness.” she shouts.

 

“That's not why-- Karolina, you're my best friend,” Gert whispers.

 

“I know, I know,” she sighs, her anger leaving her just as quickly as it had come, “But I'm tired.”

 

“Just... just think about it.”

 

She sighs in defeat, “Okay.”

 

“You do look beautiful, by the way, green suits you.”

 

“Thanks. Apparently, the budget is atrocious,” she tries to joke.

 

Gert smiles flatly, “This is Atlas, where money is even thrown at the Theatre Department, with the right incitement of course.”

 

She barks out a laugh just as Nico comes back with a box.

 

“Okay, I'll leave you to it, Karo, please think about what I said. Nico truly excellent work,” Gert says as she walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.

 

“What was she talking about? Are you ok?”

 

“Nothing important, don’t worry about it.”

 

“Okay,” Nico shrugs and crouches down again, this time bringing the box over- pins and some chalk inside it- with her, “So now you just stay still, and I won't poke you with the pins.”

 

Karolina smiles, “Is that a promise?”

 

“Or I might just poke you anyway...”

 

“You wouldn't.”

 

“Watch me.”

 

She watches Nico work and it's kind of adorable. She's carefully measuring and pinning part of the pants, her tongue poking from behind her lips in concentration. Karolina might die, shatter from cuteness overload. She works quietly for another few minutes, then she stands up

 

“Okay. We're done here, so you can put your normal clothes on. Be careful when you take the pants off.”

 

She starts undressing, untying her boots and shimming carefully off the breeches, she stops pants halfway to her tights, “Do I have to leave the cape?”

 

Nico laughs, “Kind of a bold fashion choice, but I bet you could make it work. Not that you need it.”

 

“Why did capes go out of fashion anyway?” she asks, resuming changing.

 

“Capitalism.” Nico deadpans.

 

She chuckles.

 

“Well, if anything you got a pretty awesome Halloween costume out of it,” Nico continues.

 

“Yeah, I know what to dress as now for the next... let's say two years.”

 

Nico turns away, hanging her clothes back on the rack, so she can't see her face when she says, “When you get bored by it, I can always make you another.”

 

Oh.

 

(Karolina knows there's a thousand watts smile on her face, but she doesn’t care. Because Nico is planning to be her friend for at least two years, and doesn’t that feel like a miracle?)

 

**

 

As she trips and almost falls off the stage for the third time she wonders why there has to be a dance scene.

 

“Karolina! Are you okay?”

 

“Good. I'm good,” she says from where she's faceplanted into the stage.

 

“You sure?” asks Xavin, more concern in their voice than amusement.

 

“Yeah,” she stands up again, taking Xavin's hands in hers with the determination only falling for the umpteenth time can give. She will nail this stupid dance, so help her god, “Again.”

 

Molly starts the music, and Karolina takes the lead. They manage a few steps before Karolina's feet get in the way again, and she tumbles crashing into Xavin and almost bringing them both to the floor.

 

“Wow, that was bad.”

 

“Molly!”

 

“Like really bad, K, like someone tied your shoelaces together bad,” she keeps on teasing.

 

“Not everyone can be good like you,” she says disentangling her limbs from Xavin's.

 

“I know,” Molly does a complicated step sequence smugly, more gliding on the floor weightless than dancing, “You're a lost cause.”

 

“You're mean,” Karolina sticks her tongue out at her, and takes position again.

 

Some time later she's still on stage, alone in the room and practising her steps. Opening night is less than a week away and still she can't dance it right. (She's one fall away from just asking Gert to write the scene off.)

 

“You know, I could help you. I've got moves,” Nico says while leaning on the doorway.

 

“Really?” Karolina says with a hopeful lilt to her voice.

 

Nico walks up to the foot of the stage, “Yeah, can't have our lead star breaking her face trying to dance.”

 

“I can dance,” it sounds defensive and like a lie to her own ears.

 

“Uh uh.”

 

“This is a jig, it's different and you know it.”

 

Nico just steps on the stage and takes her hands. She feels the urge to take them back and wipe her clammy palms against her legs.

 

“It's easy, really,” Nico moves into position, “Just follow my lead.”

 

(Doesn't she know she'd follow her anywhere?)

 

The first few times, she steps on her feet- and she's never been more thankful that Nico's usual footwear is combat boots- then, she falls into her two times before getting the hang of it. An hour later she can finally move in time with the music and with Nico. It's fun. The quick steps feel more like a race than a dance, but she likes it when she has to twirl Nico in her arms, likes it when she has to lift her, likes it when Nico smiles wide and breathless up at her.

 

She has to stop a few times, the prolonged touch from Nico's sending shivers down her spine, deeply distracting and counterproductive. Some other times they have to stop because they're laughing too hard, and Karolina can't keep track of anything but Nico's shaking body against hers, her smile, the glint in her eyes, the melody escaping from her lips.

 

She trips again and ends up chest to chest with Nico, panting and slightly sweaty and it's nothing short of a miracle.

 

Dancing isn’t so bad, after all.

 

(Just as long as Nico is her dancing partner.)

 

**

 

Opening night sneaks on her, until one night she's standing in her glorified leggings and a cape on stage, and there's almost eighty pairs of eyes trained on her- there are two empty seats in the front row, taunting her, and her eyes fall on them during all of the performance.

 

She steps off the stage to thundering applause, and escapes as soon as she manages, stepping onto their school's roof.

 

Karolina stands near the edge, bottle of vodka on its way to being empty at her feet.

 

She's not considering jumping- she's not, she'd gotten used to shut down any intrusive thoughts about that when she was fifteen- but she's also very near the edge. She bends down and takes another sip from the bottle. Her parents hadn't been there for her opening night. She isn't even surprised, they haven't been at one of her events in forever, why should they start showing up now, doesn’t mean that she's not hurt though, she wonders why she'd even bothered inviting them, or reserving two seats on the front row.

 

She takes a deep breath, the cold night breeze freezing her lungs with every breath. She takes another sip and warms right up.

 

She almost chokes when she sees Nico standing next to her.

 

“Hey,” she greets.

 

“Hi,” Nico takes the bottle out of her hands and takes a sip. Karolina thinks of another night spent sharing a bottle on a roof, and suddenly wants the bottle back to drain it in one go.

 

“I'm sorry your parents didn’t come.”

 

“It's whatever.”

 

“For what is worth, I thought you were awesome.”

 

She curls her lips, “Thanks, Nico.”

 

“Honest, I think I saw, like, ten people tear up when you saved Xavin from the castle.”

 

“Well, if anything, I can always fall back on being my parents legacy,” she says bitterly.

 

Nico offers her the bottle, and she takes it with a slim smile.

 

“So,” Nico changes the subject swiftly, “I think I saw Julie with a bouquet down there, how long will you make her wait?”

 

“Actually we--” Karolina hesitates, “How do you call it when you break up with someone you aren't even with?”

 

“Oh,” Nico tries to hide the curling up of her lips, doesn’t quite succeed, “Why?”

 

“Julie likes Xavin, and we were just messing around. I kinda pushed her towards them to be honest. She deserves better.”

 

“I don’t think that's possible. I don’t think anyone deserves _you,_ actually,” Nico whispers, looking away from her.

 

Karolina pretends not to hear, asks instead, “What about you? No hot date to get back to?”

 

“There's nowhere else I'd rather be.”

 

Karolina looks out in the horizon again.

 

She can see Nico staring at her from the corner of her eye, and something like hope burns in her chest.

 

Nico shivers.

 

“Are you cold?” Karolina asks, while shedding her flannel without a second thought and handing it to Nico.

 

Nico blinks out of her daze, stares at the flannel in Karolina's hands, “No,” she says but takes the shirt anyway and puts it on, “No, it's not that.”

 

“What then?”

 

Nico doesn’t answer past making a non-committal sound and bringing the shirt's collar closer to her face, and Karolina lets the silence engulf them like a blanket. And they stay like that, on the edge of their school's roof, sharing a kind of terrible bottle of cheap vodka and laughter, until it becomes to cold even for Karolina and Nico walks her back to her car.

 

“Do you want a ride back?”

 

“Thanks. I was supposed to get back with Alex, but I think he's making out somewhere with a girl from his History class.”

 

“Then I suppose I must save you, my fair lady,” she opens her car's passenger door with a flourish that ends in a deep bow.

 

Nico rolls her eyes, but gets into the car anyway.

 

Nico is distracting. Karolina has to concentrate to avoid staring at Nico every few seconds while driving- crashing her car is not something she's quite fond of- but when she catches glimpses of her and finds her looking right back, she hardly can think of anything let alone consequences.

 

When she pulls up on Nico's driveway, Nico continues to stare at Karolina for what feels like hours but are probably something like three minutes, and Karolina lets her- too busy staring as well. At last, Nico gets out, but she leaves with a lingering kiss on Karolina's cheek, scorching her skin and leaving a black imprint behind. And Karolina lets herself feel hope- twice in one night.

 

Karolina doesn’t know if the reason she stands motionless for a few minutes after is because she's still foggy from the vodka or if it was the memory of Nico's lips on her cheek- on her lips.

 

(Oh, but she knows, she knows, she knows.)

 

**

 

They keep meeting each other on the roof after every performance, after that first night. Sometimes with booze, sometimes with food after Nico figures out that she doesn’t really have time to eat in between rehearsals and performances.

 

It's the last night of the play, and Karolina is both excited and kinda sad to leave it behind. As she bends in a deep bow, hand in hand with the other cast members, for the last time in her foreseen future, as she takes Xavin hands and lifts them in high in the air, as she watches Nico clap excitedly from the front row- no empty seats near her- she lets herself be truly, deeply proud of herself for one moment.

 

When she climbs the stairs that lead to the roof and pushes the heavy door, she finds Nico already there, waiting with flowers and a bottle of champagne. She smiles and walks up to her, light and still high on applause, taking the flowers in her arms and smelling the deep scent of carnations and forget-me-nots. They drink a bit from the mini sized bottle of really good champagne Nico smuggled into the school, and talk, and laugh, and live.

 

She's looking at the stars when Nico pulls lightly at the sleeve of her too big hoodie, and she turns to look at her.

 

Nico slowly inches close, so close the only thing Karolina can think of is how close she is, everything else unimportant, superfluous details in comparison to Nico. The universe is falling apart, and the last truth is Nico's mouth, inching closer and closer. She's so warm, and very distracted, but she still has some part of her brain- either the scared one or the heartbroken one- screaming to stop her before it's to late.

 

“You shouldn't do it. Not if you don’t mean it.”

 

“What if I do?” Nico whispers, her lips barely a breath away.

 

“I'm serious Nico,” she leans away, just enough so that she can look into her eyes, “You kissed me once before and then we pretended it never happened and... I cant do that all over again.”

 

“What if I don’t want to forget? What if for the longest time I was so confused about myself I couldn’t see you clearly? What if I want this as much as you do?”

 

She leans in again, and Karolina leans in too. But just as they're about to meet each other in the middle, Nico turns away.

 

“Nico....” she sighs, disappointment flooding her veins in an instant.

 

She's about to walk away when Nico grabs her wrist, spins her around again and kisses her, one hand on her cheek while the other slid down to her waist, pulling them close together. Karolina's eyes flutter closed on instinct, she wraps her arms around Nico's waist, fingers digging in her hips anchoring her in place, and kisses her back.

 

It's like their first kiss, and nothing like it at the same time.

 

(Her father had once told her that every first kiss feels the same, a mix of anticipation and excitement.

 

He's wrong.

 

Because kissing Nico has only ever been nothing short of a religious revelation to Karolina, only ever been like a flash of lightning, or like the absence of sound in the eye of a hurricane. Kissing Nico is pouring rain and sunshine and stillness and everything and nothing. Kissing Nico just is.)

 

She brings one hand to Nico's neck, fingers playing with the baby hair she finds there, hands burying in her black hair, pulling it light and teasing, and she feels Nico moan in her mouth. Then Nico's kissing her just rough enough to make Karolina's knees want to buckle, she shivers, pulls her closer and closer and closer, until they're flush together head to toe and it's still not close enough. They only split apart when the need for air overcomes them, but they keep on holding each other close. Karolina leans down again, places a soft kiss on Nico's lips, cups her jaw, smiles against her lips.

 

She's warm.

 

She's so warm. She hasn’t felt this warm in a long time. She wants to hold Nico close, wants to drown in her. She wants to kiss her and kiss her and...

 

When Nico laughs, joyful and beautiful and unrestrained, she presses her smiling lips to Nico's, and when that only accomplishes to bring out a bigger laugh out of her lips, she pecks her once more- because she can, she can, she _can_ \- and hugs her, burying her nose in Nico's hair, can't help pressing a soft kiss there, on her neck, as they sway gently to a silent melody only them could hear.

 

She's so beautiful, dark brown eyes that pull her in the deepest of dreams, and soft skin, and kissable lips, she had always thought so, a notion left in her quietest heart with every year passed apart.

 

But she is.

 

So beautiful Karolina thinks her heart may stop if she doesn’t tell her right now, if she doesn’t tell her every day for the rest of her life, or as long as Nico will let her by her side.

 

(If this is a dream, she never wants to wake up.)

 

“So,” Nico starts when their laughter has subsided, still in her arms, “Am I a better kisser than Julie?”

 

She consider it slowly, putting on a thoughtful face, “Mmh... I mean, she is a though act to follow.”

 

Nico pushes her away making an adorable annoyed face, an indignant sound leaving her lips. Karolina follows her mouth with a laugh, presses another small kiss on her pouting lips, “Like it could ever be a competition.”

 

“Good,” Nico pecks her lips again.

 

Karolina feels her lips curl against hers and, god, she has never felt more warm.

 

It's not until many kisses later that Nico speaks up again, or at least tries.

 

“I-- I wanted to-- only if you want of course, I would never force you, I mean-- would you?”

 

Karolina smiles down at her, amused by Nico's adorable floundering, “What?”

 

Nico takes a steadying breath and looks straight into her eyes, “Can I take you out? On a date I mean.”

 

Karolina laughs at Nico's burning cheeks, light and free.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, nothing, you're just so flustered for someone who has spent the last half an hour with her tongue in my mouth.”

 

“That's not the same!” she flushes, “I just didn’t wanna assume.”

 

“Please assume,” she pulls away jokingly, pulling Nico towards the door, “We can go now if you want.”

 

Nico stays put, “I want to plan something better than what we can do at 11 pm on our school roof.”

 

Karolina bends down and kisses her, “Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“As if I could in any way, ever deny you something.”

 

Nico kisses her again.

 

**

 

They're seventeen when they go on their first date.

 

Karolina spends an eternity and a half in front of her mirror, video chats with Gert and Molly because she can't decide on an outfit, showers twice in the mean time. She's not saying she's kind of a mess of nerves at the moment, or so excited that she could power a small city- but she is, god, if she is. She ends up deciding on a lacy white shirt, tucked into dark high waisted jeans, taking a yellow hoodie with her just in case it gets cold and Nico needs it- so? She really likes seeing Nico wearing her clothes, sue her. Now she only has to wait one hour before Nico shows up.

 

It's not a long wait.

 

Nico arrives more than a half an hour early, Karolina rushing to the door as soon as she hears the ring of the doorbell.

 

She opens the door and she's faced with the most beautiful sight she has ever seen in her life. Nico is wearing a black tank top, a black jeans jacket over it, and the shortest black shorts Karolina has ever seen on her, long legs clad in fishnet tights.

 

She dry shallows.

 

Karolina wants to push her against the door, wants to devour her, wants to fell her breath shorten into breathless pants, wants to live in her lips, in her moans, in her every sound. (And she wants, she wants, she wants.) But they have a date- their _first_ date- to go to, and she will not derail it from the start because Nico looks hot. Even if she does look so hot Karolina almost melts on the spot.

 

Nico spends just as long staring at her too, so Karolina session with Gert and Molly must have been a success.

 

Nico offers her arm, playing it cool, “Shall we?”

 

Karolina plays with her, taking her arms and leading Nico to her own car- because Nico couldn’t drive, never learnt how to, but had insisted on being the one to pick her up, taking a Lyft to her house, because she's adorable- and Karolina falls a bit more in love when she rushes to open the door on her side before rushing back to her own side of the car.

 

“So, where to?”

 

“It's a surprise.”

 

“Nico. I'm literally driving us there. I need to know where to go.”

 

“Nope. Surprise. Just follow my instruction.”

 

(She falls some more.)

 

It's kind of magical, car rides with Nico, especially so now when she can hold her hand. Nico leads her through lefts and rights- threading their fingers together after the second turn- until they're standing in front of a little theatre. She looks at Nico.

 

“I thought-- since it all started with a play we could continue it with another?”

 

“You brought me to see Pride and Prejudice.”

 

“Yeah? I asked Gert if it was a good idea and she agreed and I remembered it used to be one of your favourite books so I thought... we can do something else if you think it's stupid, I wanted--” Nico continues to ramble.

 

Karolina turns her head gently upwards and kisses her softly, “It's perfect, Nico, thank you.”

 

Nico blushes a pretty faint pink, “Okay. C'mon I bought the tickets already but I'll let you get the snacks.”

 

“We're all about equality after all, right?”  
  


“Exactly,” Nico tugs her and Karolina follows her inside the theatre, down a narrow staircase and into what's basically a cave, rock ceilings caving in on a wooden stage, red plushy benches lining up the walls, the same colour of the red curtains. It's all very... Nico.

 

She loves it.

 

The play is good, she thinks. The actors are well cast and Elizabeth is beautiful and sarcastic, but Karolina doesn’t pay much attention to it, she's too busy feeling Nico's hand in hers, her shoulders pressed against her, arms intertwined together, sitting so close together Karolina swears she's two minutes away from fainting, the excuse to their closeness the small box of pop-corns resting on Karolina's lap. They're also almost alone in the theatre, the only other people there some old couples and the young staff member that had lead them in, so she feels free of judgement when she decides to stare at Nico instead of watching the play.

 

After that, Nico leads her to a little Indian place around the corner, and they eat. She knows Nico doesn’t really like Indian, and she knows she probably brought her here because their vegan options take up half the menu, and she knows that Nico will brush it off if she tries to thank her, so she just squeezes her hand tighter in hers and pecks her cheek.

 

(She's in so deep she may never see the sun again. As she looks into Nico's eyes, she doesn’t mind her fate anymore.)

 

“So... where to now?” she asks as they get out of the restaurant, after a vicious battle on who would pay- Nico had won, but barely, Karolina agreeing only after the promise of a second date to pay to.

 

“I had another thing in mind, if you're not too tired.”

 

“I never want this night to be over,” she answers truthfully.

 

“Oh.” Nico blushes and mumbles, “To Griffith Park then.”

 

Which is... cute, so she tries to coerce another one out of Nico.

 

“Are you bringing me stargazing?” she says, lowering her voice until it comes out an octave lower and in a husky rasp, “How romantic.”

 

“I--” Nico blushes some more, and Karolina laughs, “Shut up. Let's go.”

 

“Okay, okay, sorry.”

 

When they arrive, the park is empty.

 

Which shouldn't be a surprise- it's kind of late for a walk in the park- but as Nico takes her hand again, wrapping her arm with hers, she finds that she doesn’t mind, not even a bit. They walk up a hill, until Nico deems the spot agreeable and they sit down on a blanket found in a shop at the foot of the hill. When Nico eventually shivers, she wraps her in her hoodie- it's big on Karolina, so on Nico is practically a dress falling down almost to her mid thighs, and Karolina is in love- she whispers a 'luckily I'm really good at warming you up' after that and kisses her under the night sky.

 

(Who knew she could be smooth when she wanted to?)

 

They lay on the blanket and watch the stars and make out.

 

It's the best date Karolina has ever been on. Kind of the only date she's ever been on- if you don’t count Julie's parties as one and she doesn’t- but she figures this one would have blown any other one out of the water anyway.

 

She feels as if carved from marble, chiselled by Nico's lips, her skin pliable to her touch until she has been moulded into Nico's perfect fit. What other explanation could there be for how their hands fit, for how their bodies curl into one another? God, she's so in love it's almost too much, so in love it almost hurts- but it's a warm kind of hurt, a rumble in her chest from the fluttering of her heart, an ache in her lips from where they've been stretched too far for too much, the certainty of being caught when she inevitably falls deeper.

 

She brings Nico home when it gets too late, and she holds her hand through all the trip back to the car, holds it also after. When Nico kisses under her porch, she feels butterflies and fireworks and everything else all together. When Nico opens her eyes, she sees she's not alone in the feeling. She wants to whispers a hundred 'I love you's' against her lips, but they have time.

 

Karolina is fourteen when she shares her first kiss with her best friend, she's fourteen when she realizes she's in love with her best friend, she's fourteen when her best friend breaks her heart. And she's seventeen when they finally get it right, when they have their first date, when she falls all over again with her best friend but this time she's not alone in the feeling.

 

So maybe she was wrong after all, and Karolina is the luckiest girl in the world.

 

(Months later, when Nico tells her for the first time that she loves her, Karolina knows she is.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, to be honest this kind of slipped out of hand, but hey I wrote it anyway. I kinda haven't studied for one of my exams to write this, but #noregrets. Yes, I also have to write jealous!Nico in every fic, or life is not fun. Thank you for any kudos or comments I read them all and they make my day. See you next time my brain decides to spit up terrible au's at me while I'm trying to sleep.


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